chi (and fish)

i don't think i'm looking for chi anymore.
anyway, i'm not looking to define it; i'm not looking to be a superman, if you will.
i've been on a quest, it seems, to understand it. but, as we know, to seek something is often to lose it. i'm happier now that i accept chi as maybe real--maybe self-hypnosis--maybe science and mechanics. journeyman does a good post on these points here. i wonder if he was on a quest, too. he seems to be at peace with it, anyway.
i train with a sensei who really believes it is a factor in the martial arts. i don't disagree, but then there are guys like Bruce Lee and Professor Wally Jay who i admire and don't neccesarily worry about it too much. (at least outwardly).
maybe jedi knights ruined chi for everyone by making kids want to become supernatural , imbued with chi/Force. That said, i've seen some pretty crazy shit that i cannot explain. maybe it's chi.
but i don't see a lot of crazy stuff. maybe i need a temple to hang out at in a remote jungle somewhere. maybe chi is there.
or maybe it's everywhere, and we, like fish, cannot discern the water all around us. (does a fish use chi to swim? is the water its chi? does a fish prefer spelling it chi or qi?)
just because i'm not searching doesn't mean i'm against it.....
or against fish, for that matter.

job profile...

I was being interviewed today about possible employment opportunities and this awkward moment came up:
"Can you travel?"
"Yes."
"Are you self-motivated?"
"Yes."
"Do you have anything we should know about, like a criminal record or anything?"
"No. But I am vegetarian."

turning the corner...

the past few months has been--as I said before--one of the most challenging periods of my martial arts career to date. doubts lurking around every corner; frustration rearing its ugly head. while I never considered quiting, my heart was clouded and my mind was frayed.
currently, i feel... well... better. while i'm not tooting rainbows and doing back flips for no reason, my mind has reset itself and I have been enjoying my training once again. do i feel further tempered and believe i've had a philosophic expansion as a result of my struggles? time will tell. does it feel nice to be back on track?
indeed.
part of my imbalance, as I mentioned previously, had a lot to do with a lack of harmony between kata and technique. this was perhaps a result of a grading i was undergoing, where my kata was in worse shape than my technique and needed to be improved upon. grading gives me great ambivalence, but i will save those thoughts for another day.
in the mean time, while I cannot say exactly what is around the corner, i know now that at least i am turning one.

the Self

You will never master the Self, yet it should be your life's work to try.
Perhaps mastery just happens in specific moments; perhaps the journey, is, in fact, more important than the destination. The physical world is too malleable and uncertain to contain Heaven or Nirvana. What is left is the Way--the Tao--the path back to one's Self.
And the Self is a sword blade that can cut all things around it, but never cut itself. We must try to keep that blade as sharp as possible. Our Minds need training and discipline.
"Nirvana is reached by that man who wisely, heroically, trains himself," suggests the Dhammapada texts.
Mastery, to the followers of Buddha, is to be found in the transcendence of the world's sorrows. Buddha sat under a tree until he mastered Himself; and His enlightenment was lasting. (So on paper, my argument is incorrect).
But most of us are not ascended beings.... at least yet.
So we train. And train some more. We seek after glimpses of Nirvana rather than total enlightenment. For this is our nature... we are seekers. If we found the entire truth, the game would be up. Right?
And maybe then, eventually:
"With the dust of impurities blown off, and free from sinful passions, (we) will come unto the glorious land of the great." (Dhammapada)

more wisdom from my five-year-old...

"Daddy, when someone dies, and heaven is full, where do they go? Is it Australia?"

feeling a bit kata-tonic...

so here, basically, is the rant:
i'm suffering from an imbalance. there has been an extreme focus on a long series of katas in my dojo, that, although listed in the curriculum of the art form, have become the art form as of late. i will not get into the debate of usefulness of kata--surely there is value--but when it starts to become a more intrinsic aspect of one's studies than technique itself, for me, personally, it feels like my overall skills start to suffer. i feel like i am doing an intense weight lifting regime on half my body, while the other side weakens from misuse.
also, an imbalance in studies is hard mentally. it seems as the list of forms becomes more extensive, the more i am just trying to memorize movements rather than understanding the katas. i would much prefer to embrace a few kata forms fully, than boast a list in the teens that i can only reproduce mechanically and/or robotically. maybe that's just me, though.
while i have massive respect for my sensei, i find this is the first time i am being tested to this degree. a lot of it, as said, is based out of a curriculum designed by someone else, years ago. this imbalance, it seems, tends to rear its head when a grading is imminent--which it is for myself--another aspect of the arts i am ambivalent toward.
however, for me, quitting is not an option. i still value what i am learning and value my fellow students and their friendships as well. one thing i have begun to do is cross-train in other art forms to find the balance i crave. and my empty feeling is subsiding--slowly. i have attended a few classes where technique has come to the fore again, and my heart re-balances quickly.
I liked the comments following my recent post on emptiness, and have picked out a snippet from Yamabushi to conclude this post with. (hope he doesn't mind).
"I believe it was Churchill once who said "When you are going through hell, keep going." Good motto for a martial artist - Keep Going."

despite my moodiness, this past week has provided some good classes to give me thought. one class was very physically demanding, yet playful. sparring, grappling, striking. i just had a good time and approached it like a child who wants to muck it up and enjoy himself. it had a lightness about it, yet at the end i was fatigued--in a good way.
 lesson acquired: don't forget to play.
 the other class, just as valuable, sharply contrasted the aforementioned. two students and Sensei, just talking for two hours. not a bead of perspiration; not a strike thrown or kata performed (kata overload is one of my major reasons for my  burning out lately, perhaps i'll blog about that another time, as i do think kata is eating away at my very soul). the conversation in itself wasn't specifically enlightening, yet it is an aspect of  training that my sensei feels has been lost in many dojos. in my experience, he may be right.
lesson acquired: kata stinks conversation is good.
we'll see what this week brings.