procrastination

the zen is mightier than the sword....

maybe i'm not a true warrior... i don't possess "killer" instincts; real violence makes me ill; and i tend to train more in my brain than in the dojo as of late... in fact, some of my best lessons have come from friends while drinking beer and smoking cigars, or just laying in bed staring up at the ceiling...  (is this traditional?)
i guess i have never been orthodox at anything in my life--sports, academics, career, etc....
yet i feel driven; i feel purpose behind my actions... and i know warriors come in all forms and fight all kinds of battles...
but can "killer" be cultivated? and if so, is that something i want to attain?
i think i have to push past this notion of violence... past this notion of petty contradictions...

the dark ages...

it's been a tough couple weeks in my martial arts brain.... classes have been few and far between, and to boot, i have had a recurrence of very bad back pain... stabbing daggers bad.... i keep telling myself that all martial artists train with discomfort of some sort, and i, too, have always been banged up to a certain degree... yet pain is a great tool for making one humble... albeit grumpy, as well....
in fact, the amount of physical pain that manifests itself as mental struggle is amazing... it's not, "all in your head," but there is a definite battle that takes place there... one loses sight of which hurts more--the thought of being hurt or the pain itself.... it reminds me of a native north american saying that was written on a piece of art given to me many moons ago: "...Änd the shaman gave us the wisdom of the bear and the orca. First the bear spoke saying: Seek strength, not to be greater than your brother, but to fight your own greatest enemy... yourself. Then spake orca: You must live your life from the beginning to the end, no one else can do it for you..."