emptiness...

it's been a tough spell for martial arts and myself  lately. i feel a bit empty inside, and am trying my best to wait it out. there is no one reason for this feeling that I can put into words ; no specific problem or anything like that. yet my passion is being tested nonetheless.
I feel i am stuck in one place; i feel like the next level is just out of my grasp. all i have been able to do is embrace this feeling and hope it is transformative in a positive way.  after all, as a student of the Tao, I know that it is the hollowness of the vessel that forms its usefulness; it is the holes in the wall--the windows-- that open up the room to light. And "truthful words are not beautiful.(And) beautiful words are not truthful." So I am being honest, and I think that is a good first step in the path of returning.

brains...

I woke my son up for junior kindergarten today, and while normally he pops right out of bed, he took a few minutes and then said:
"Dad, sometimes I just need to warm my brain up first."

the tree...

In the old Taoist texts of Chuang Tsu, there is written one of my favourite parables about a gigantic tree. The tree is massive and thought to be special wood as "those of three or four spans are cut down to make beams for tall, elegant houses. (And) those of seven or eight spans are cut down to make side boards for the coffins of aristocratic and rich merchant families." Such good trees never grow as big as this one, instead, the trees "never achieve their full stature but fall in their prime under the blows of the ax." Even a tree of one span or more is used for monkey perches, it is said. So what kind of special wood is this? What will such a great tree be used to build?
Upon closer inspection, the tree's branches are observed to be gnarled and it's trunk curved and knotted. The wood would not be good enough for beams or rafters. "Indeed, this tree is good for nothing. No wonder it grew so big. That is how it is! Holy men treasure this worthlessness."
This explains the "hazards of being useful."

blending...

I'm learning that blending two offensive combat styles is a different beast than blending two defensive styles. As I've mentioned before, I have lately been adding a few boxing drills to my traditional training. And while the striking fits fairly seamlessly, switching from a TMA blocking style to a more compact boxing one is a bit difficult for me.
This is why I am trying to merge the two.
Firstly, there are pros and cons to each style. These involve a more side-facing stance or a squared-off stance. It involves a closer striking/grabbing lead hand versus "covering up" quicker. However, the premise is the same: minimizing damage by deflecting or absorbing the impact of an opponents attack. And for me, I'm mainly interested in blocking the initial strikes in order to crash inside and use my jiu-jitsu.
To complicate things, I spar with a strong-arm-forward southpaw stance. This is uncommon in boxing where the power comes from the back (same with many martial arts). But I feel stronger defending this way, and feel I can strike faster, and better get inside to utilize throws, locks, strikes etc. Also in sparring, I like to be able to switch stances, to confuse an opponent or readjust an attack strategy on my part.
But as always, I am really looking for a way to get the best of both worlds. Is this more dangerous than committing to one style? Is this counter productive and spreading my defenses too thin?
As long as I don't eat too many punches I guess I'm on the right track.

Crying...

"Crying is okay in karate."
-- My four-year-old's sensei (comforting him before encouraging him to try again)

drawing on experience...

Tell me when this seems familiar....
I do a lot of drawing and art in general. In fact, once a week, on a morning usually stiff and tired from the previous night's training, I attend a drawing class focusing on the human figure (the hardest overall subject to master artistically). Many of the other people there have been going for years, while I've been going the past few months. The work is humbling, yet the small achievements are very fulfilling.
While usually I sit alone and zone out into my own little world, this past week there was not as much room as normal so I set up next to a lady--likely the oldest person in the room. I went to work, creating detailed, intricate sketches which although I liked, I didn't feel were my best pieces. The lady next to me took a keen interest in what I was doing and praised several of my works. She was both sweet and kind.
"A lot of detail," she commented with a knowing smile.
But after awhile, I began to struggle a bit with my images. I was losing the flow and focus of the pictures. So, stepping back from my paper, I decided to watch the older lady, who was using the most simplistic of tools, a paint brush and a pot of ink. I was delighted to see her work: The cleanest lines; the smallest effort; the most accurate depictions. I was in awe at how loosely but confidently her images were formed. I abandoned my own work and just watched her for a long while.
Is it age? We have all witnessed the sensei who, in his/her maturity, whips the student around without effort or folly. We have all been blown away by the master who seems to "know" things no one else does, and utilize his/her tools more effectively than a less experienced individual could ever hope to achieve.
This little woman was like a real life yoda with a brush. She left out so many useless details in order to make a more coherent body of work. And she was teaching me without so much as a word.
Lesson learned.... again. From now on, I sit next to the elder, kind and talented lady and hope to learn a few things from her experience.
It's all so familiar, to me.

stagnation vs. time away

Luckily, my stagnation in blogging this month has not been mirrored in other areas of my life such as martial arts. Truth be told, I haven't had access to any form of computer technology at home. However, I am settling in to a new routine in a more public environment that seems to be working for me. Hopefully, it will keep me from being a total hermit this winter, as I am fighting the desire to curl up in a ball and wait for the spring weather to arrive. It's strange for me, since this has been the warmest winter I can remember in my entire life. But it is damp; I've become recently unemployed for the first time in almost a decade; and I'm a bit anti-social. (Except online).
My isolation, though, has produced peace of mind in many unexpected ways, including a lack of mainstream media influence in my life. Quite frankly, not being exposed to radio news feeds, constant advertising campaigns on the street, and TV clips of "wars and rumours of war" has had a purifying aspect in my life. Ignorance, albeit for a little while, has been blissful (if not sustainable). I know the world won't go away, nor can problems be ignored forever, but a small break from the madness has been welcome.
And hopefully writing again will help keep me grounded a bit--and get me physically and mentally out into the world again. As well as being on the mats each time I go to class.
But I will continue to indulge in a little bit of winter hibernation, even if it's just manifested in a bit more media ignorance.